(Author's Note: Warning, I have written some powerful words, but I am entering uncharted territory for me. A recent incident left me feeling down so I insisted to use me emotion to write a story. What I had written was a bit of a personal journey for me, so certain parts have been omitted and rethemed to fit this forum.)
You remember that day? Don’t you? You loved her. Her blonde hair flew through the air in a magnificent golden sway in that summer sun. Her crystal blue eyes often times stared off and away beyond the horizon, longing to set off on her own adventure, and giving you a precious few seconds to look deep within her eyes while she was not looking at you, giving you that split second of bliss of being able to feel young and together. Do you remember?
Yes.
She was your perfect match. She was outgoing, lithe, and reckless in her ways, using every bit of her power to chip away at your frozen soul to reveal the love and humanity within. It was no easy task for her, but she did it every day. She wanted to see the man buried under all that ice.
Those days were nice, weren’t they? The wind would kiss her face and she would blush and giggle to herself, resentful of how weak she must have looked to you. And you, you merely wish to be able to do the same to her. To make her blush that magnificent color her checks would turn. She would never show anyone her true soul, only faux affection that she would allow to bleed through to others while her true love sat deep within those magnificent blue eyes. You only wanted a part of that affection, if only for a moment, to succeed where others had failed.
… No.
Lying will not make this any easier on you. You loved her. You unequivocally loved her… But she had no idea. She had no idea how you would watch from afar as she would be approached by another man, that you would pry she would not fall into their clutches. She had no idea that you had sworn to God himself that you would do whatever it takes to make her happy. How could she have?
Patient is reacting to stimuli.
You were just a boy.
Patient activity spiking. Continue pressing.
You had sworn to God to do whatever anything to see her smile.
No.
Anything. At that was where you failed. In the end, I can see your heart. I am speaking to you now. You would have even scarified yourself to see here make it to the next day. What was here name?
Don’t you dare speak her name.
What? Have I not earned that right? Then how have you?
Patient’s aggression levels increasing.
In the end, you never really wanted just to see her smile, did you? You always wanted more. You wished to feel each other. To have her skin brush against yours in one perfect moment lasting for as long as need be. Perhaps indefinatly. To touch her, please her, have her call for you in a moment of need. It was perfect, wasn’t it, to dream of that moment? All you ever wanted to do was to touch her like no one else could. You had convinced yourself her smile or a look off into the distance would serve the same purpose. How wrong you were. Smiling or looking into one’s eyes is one thing. To wreath upon each other, twist and coil with each groan, that was a feeling you longed for in the end that a simple smile could not provide. So you fell for her.
Fuck off.
And still—
Fuck off…
She could not have known. You were too much of a coward to tell her how you really felt.
Patient is making great advancements in the DELTA Project. Given time, we may break through to his conscious if mental stability can be held within the probing of his mind.
Fuck off… Fuck off…
You were weak, far too hideous to be seen with her. But you were honor bound by God. You swore to make her happy, and that was where you failed. You swore to do anything to please her, and that was where you failed. Do you remember that day?
Stop.
There was that boy down the road… she was so interested in him.
Stop. Please.
They would go down to the lake, and while she had all but forgotten you, you could hear their laughs and the sound of that boy's guitar echo through the swamp and into your quite town. You hated the sound of that guitar. You hated every note. They would burn your skin and scorch your soul. Even in the late hours of the night you would lay in your room with the window wide open, allowing the notes to dance in and rattle you in the night. It made your blood boil and you ears scream out against you as each note twisted into a melody, coming to rest upon your ears, but unable to stop listening, aware that they fell on her ears too. You hated him.
Stop!
Those notes reminded you of her. Those soft lips, her smooth skin that you longed to run your hand across, the golden hair that kissed her shoulders and coilded at her neck. She was too good for you. For her sake, you let her go.
I had too! I loved her!
You let her go. Slowly you stopped talking to here. Days became weeks, weeks became months, and she was so happy with that boy.
I wanted her to be happy.
What about you? Are you happy?
Don’t you get it? It was for her!
It was because you were a coward. You were afraid she would reject you, so you let her go. Now you will never be able to hold her, never be able to carry a piece of her.
Patient is accepting commands.
No. No, I am better than that.
You are scum. You will never be able to touch her again. Instead it will be another man. Another man will be the one to make her feel the way that you always wanted to make her feel. He will be her first, and she will love him, and would have long forgotten about you. They will be free to be with each other, without you to slow them down. To climb atop each other enjoy one another.
Damn you. Damn you.
Do you deny it? You ran. She always wanted to leave town. When you were no longer needed you left yourself. You abandoned here. You left her when you swore to always be with her.
I thought she was happy! Damn it, why can’t you see that!
You don’t deserve her even if you return. You broke your promise, you are nothing to her now. She will not just forget you, she will hate you. She will never want to see you again. You doomed her to the life of her mother before her, as she shall always remain. You joined the army. You saw the world. And you left her alone. Tell me, have you seen her since you shipped out? Can you bare to take another look back into those eyes?
I wanted to! I wanted to so bad! I needed to leave, just to clear my head. Once I was there I just wanted to go home! I wanted to hold her, tell her how much I missed her! I wanted to write to her about the rain, all my friends dying, and the snakes! Lord, the snakes! She never did like 'no snakes. I wanted to tell her about all of it! I wrote to her! I wrote to her dammit, but I never got anything back… I just want to go home! God, I just want to go home! I’ll make it up I swear, I’ll love her, hold her, and I’ll never let her go, just let me go. I hate 'Nam, sir. I don't want to kil anyone else... Thats not what she would want! Not for me! God, just let me go.
////Post script via MAC V////
The seizer of personal postage is considered a federal crime, doctor. It is to my understanding a young lad was recently committed to an asylum, a man who had previously spoken to you at the army clinic in Mac V. The ward says that his sanity was frayed, possibly brought on by some sort of forced relaps. Placement in Operation: Paperclip is a privilege, one I would have expected you to use wisely.
However, considering the amount progress made on MKdelta from your research, the US Government is dropping any charges. It was a necessary evil.
Who would have thought that in the end love would be the barrier to a stronger mind?
Cross us again doctor, and you will rot in a cell like the other Nazi bastards.
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