darkflareon

I thought this about this one to but could think of a way of expanding it. I really apreciate the feed back and will definatly try to incorporate this into other pieces. When reading yours though I couldnt think of any critasisums, there were a couple of point where I was a bit confused b ut it was explained later in the text. there wasn't as much description on the characters but as it was about a group it still works really well. -Flareon

I think this is great, and the more I read of you stories the more I begin to love your writing. For longer stories I have always loved the attachment to the characters. In your short stories however that isnt needed as much and this one proves it. It's short sweet and to the point. The only improvments I would have made was to make it a little less facty, but thats somethink that will vary from person to person, and I did find the explination at the start as to what was happerning confused me a little so perhaps more detail or more structure (I'm not sure which) would be an idea. -Flareon

I really like both bits of writing and love the idea of having one to carry on. This is where my idea comes in. I was hoping that by leaving mine at a loose end, with several loose ends, there would be plenty of angles that more people could write from. Unfortunatly what I wrote was before I saw the section alredy written and dose contredic it . Here is my section plaese carry it on in anyway you wish. Staring around I follow my father out into this new world, my younger brother has never seen the sun before, and I myself don’t remember it. It feels strange breathing fresh air that isn’t filtered before entering the below level volts. I lift the gun I have been handed its reasonable small compared to the ones the adults have. I look back to take the hand of my younger brother who looks dazed and terrified, He’s bilking violently squinting at the emptiness awaiting us a sudden explosion to the north makes us all swing our pistols. “They are still out there? How can they have survived?” men were now running past me shouting to their familes to go back inside but too many doors were open if the frount line failed we were all dead. “Look after your brother, keep him safe.” The screeches rose from the borders. “Don’t wait for me gust run if they break us. You know where the supplies are, get them now. Go.” And my father was running to where he expected to die. I paused hoping that I was going to be able to wait but a second explosion confirmed what we had prepared for. They wouldn’t eat themselves away they would keep going. Even when we could not. I ran dragging my little brother behind me they were other families doing the same but we were small and so faster. Getting to the supplies first meant we could choose the two biggest packs hoping that there would be some left the solders that survived. Moving to a sheltered area I took the small pistols from my pack loading them and holstering one to my side. I smiled weakly at my little brother who had started to explore the surrounding areas. I sighed leaning against a wall. A sudden hissing made me jump. Next to me was a large snake. It wasn't native and should have died from the swim getting here. I looked into its eyes, they were glowing. I sprang to my feet screaming for my little brother. I wished I hadn’t as he ran into the room the snake struck. It missed but not by enough. One of its fangs had grazed along his arms only just piercing the skin but doing so none the less.i grabbed a stone and smashed it repetedly agains this monstrosities skull. I stared around crying for help. No one came there was more screaming from around the town more crying for the dead. I was too young for this, I couldn’t cope, I should have to cope, this wasn’t my mess this was other countries, and I wouldn’t deal with this lying down hiding in fear. I could feel the walls the restrictions I had been taught to live by breaking. I was a new person when I left that room and my brother knew it. He followed silently behind me. Whoever was responsible would pay. Any coments or idea for inprovents are welcome -Flareon

I think it's great. I love the inteview style, it really suits this piece of writing. The detail is amazing painting a clear picture of the horror that the guy had to go through. I think this was great and would love to read more like this. -Flareon

It's really good and has alot of detail. It's really enjoyable and the first chapter leaves huge suspence over the other. Although I really enjoyed it there are point in the second chapter where it should be said in first person not third as the guy is talking. That is the only critasisum I have to make and cant wait to read more. -Flareon

For an on the spot write this is very well planned. Its great that outside learning can lead to this kind of writing. I'm sure that if given more time this could be a mer introduction to an epic story Oh and you shall have to wait untill the story hits the forum for my part =P -Flareon

This is a great scean by scean account, and although there isn't much detail it works. I'm really looking foward to reading the rest. I did however find that there wasn't much developing the characters, this could have been for the lack of detail in the events. I still think it is a really great story and shall be watching for the next -Flareon

This has great rhyem and flowes really well. Some of the darker lyrics almost shoked me leaving a kind of chill after having read it. Over all a really well written poem. I think it's great. -Flareon

This is great I really enjoyed this. it has great suspention building and you can really feel the fear eminating from the troops. I really like how this is written and wish there was more to read -Flareon

I think that both chapters are great you can really connect with the characters and feel there fear. I hope you keep posting chapters as I cant wait to see how the rest of a medieval europ would survive. I also really like how each section flowes together and just in general think this is a grat story -Flareon

I think this is amazing its got great descriptions and is a really enjoyable peice of writing. I cant wait to read more -Flareon

I'm glad that my comments helped and really hope they didn't seem harsh. If this wasnt really planned it was an amazing random write. Hopfully I'll get round to reading more of your work soon keep writing -Flareon

At first i was a bit sceptical of the style that this story is written as I have never really liked the use of what would best be decribed as logg books because they can be a little to methodical and so confusing. How this is written however is much more like a diery explaning the seperate steps as they proceed. Although I do think it is an exerlent peice of writing I do think more detail about emotins could be added as it is the emotions of the characters that draw people in that show what kind of people they are. As i said though an amazing peice of writing that i did enjoy. -Flareon

I think it is really good and can't wait untill you post the next chapter. There is somthink about the way that it is written that really seems to show the trials of the characters, I do however think that the narative touches very little on how the characters actually feels as a little bit of critesisum. All I can think of though and am really looking forward to the next chapter. -Flareon

I think this is an amazing summery of all the charatcers. It will really help me in writing my own stories involving these characters. Thank you so much for this thread its great. -Flareon

It's fine I have been informed from Jolteon that he would have told me to if he thought he could get away with it. -Flareon

As my first proper play I really enjoted it, though I do have to admit the others did amzingly well walking me through what to do, Jolteon inperticular. He led me through the map every time I needed somthink and showed me where my favoorite guns were. this means that although he went down alot I think it may have been my falt alot of the time. It was great and I hope to be able to play with shuch great players again soon -Flareon

Nope he didn't it was compleatly my own idea, he did tell me about the game but it was my choice as I thought the timing would be perfect. -Flareon

:cry: But thats ages away. -Flareon

Nope you're mine and I dont share =P -Flareon

I'm sorry but I thought we had already agreed he was mine and I will defend that (if you stand still ) on CoD. 8-)

:o I get a cookie omnomnom, me love cookies -Flareon

I thought it was really good and do hope you post more. I do however have some things that might need to be considerd if writing longer parts to the stoies. The first is what most horror writers use all the time and that is suspence, I myself have never quit got the hang of it but in a story like this it may be somethink to consider. I really enjoyed it and really do hope you post the rest. -Flareon

So I guess that means I win and have full claim over my Joteon -Flareon

Thank you so much for all that help I should be able to send one now , this dose mean you should be expecting one soon just to prove that i can do it I can be adorable and need help with big puppy eyes to lure him in 8-) , and if you stand still I should be able to beat you at any cod. -Flareon