“How much longer are we going to be at this Richtofen?! For God's sake, why is it so important we find this guy? I'm sick of all this fucking mud in my boots.”

Dempsey trudged through the thick, brown pool beneath their feet. Richtofen was ahead of everyone else, leading without wait.

“First of all, Dempsey, this is not mud. It is molasses! Did you not even listen to Gloppy? And secondly, it is crucial we locate the king. He is the key to my...I mean our victory.”

“Gloppy? You mean that brown blob with a face on it that I blew up? Can't say I heard what he said. Also, why are you leading us? With all these twists and turns I don't think you have any idea where the fuck we're going. One of us should be ahead.”

Takeo spoke up in agreeance, “It is true Richtofen. It is because of you Nikolai was lost in the Lollipop Woods. Additionally, I do not think King Kandy will appreciate what you did to Queen Frostine.”

“She was waving her sparkly wand at me! None of us had any earthly idea what she might have been capable of! Also, dummkopfs, it was Nikolai's own fault for choosing to relieve himself in those woods. I warned him!”

Dempsey finally gave up trying to get his boot free from the mud, and removed his foot from the boot entirely in anger.

“I'm the one who found that Gumdrop Pass shortcut. I should be leading this pack!”

“Nonsense, Dempsey, it was all luck! Anyone could have done that!”

In the distance behind them was Nikolai, just now entering the Molasses Swamp.

“Cyka blyat! All of you! Cheaters!”

“Cheating? I? Nein!”

The four began to argue over their positions in the group for several minutes. Then all at once, Richtofen's voice completely changed pitch, becoming the voice of a young girl.

“It's my turn now, Edward!”

Richtofen placed both his hands on his head, and shook violently, switching back to his own voice.

“Nein! Stop it! We're almost done with this game!”

 

The children continued to bicker, Samantha continually pushing Eddie's game piece off of the Candyland board and placing her own. Young Nikolai believed the others to be cheating due to his position on the board being so far back. Dempsey and Takeo believed they should each be ahead on the game board.

The in-fighting continued before being halted by Dr. Monty's arrival.

“What is it you bloody kids are fighting about now?”

Nikolai pointed to Richtofen stating, “Eddie was cheating!”

“I was not!”

Eddie picked up the game board hitting young Nikolai on the head before having the board taken away by Monty.

“Cheating?! In bloody Candyland? You children do realize it's a game of luck, right? Plus the whole concept is ridiculous: A world made of candy. There was only one dimension made entirely of candy and they all died off in a nuclear war. A constant sugar-filled power struggle, that is. These bloody American board games...always inciting violence. How would you kids like to play a real game?”

The children all crowded around Monty waiting to see what he had in store. He searched the nearby hall closet for a suitable game for the children.

“Ah-hah! This one... this one is a real classic. Call of Duty: World at War!”

Young Dempsey scoffed, crossing his arms.

“That game is old like you Monty!”

“Uncalled for you little...fine, I have something better...”

From the closet, Monty held out a copy of Call of Duty: Black Ops.

“This has the best zombies maps in the series! How about you play this, kids?”

Young Takeo crossed his arms, turning his head away.

“Those maps have nothing to do on them! They're boring!”

“Are you bloody...what?! Nothing to do? What more do you want from a game about killing zombies? Fine! How about Black Ops II?”

Little Eddie spoke up this time, “And play what? TranZit? You won't let us buy more maps!”

“Oh come on, TranZit isn't even that bad! What if I let you buy Die Rise?”

“Oh yeah, Monty, that would be MUCH better...”

“Alright you little runts! You couldn't possibly turn this one down: Call of Duty Black Ops III: It's new, there's a lot of things to waste your time doing, and the maps are great!”

Samantha pushed the copy of the game away.

“That game is micro-transaction filled garbage!”

“You kids cannot be serious. I've had it up there here with all of you. And did one of you steal Newton's Cookbook? That book is valuable, you know!”

Nikolai spoke up, “The book is up your butt and around the corner!”

Monty waved his hand at Nikolai, scoffing to himself.

“Bloody hell, Nikky, that joke is older than me, and I've been around for an eternity! Fine, if none of you will fess up to the crime, then we will do this the hard way.”

Monty reached into the childrens' hall closet, retrieving a woven bag, and he began to fill it with every game the children owned. The children cried out in anger and sadness, but Monty did not waver, lifting the bag above his head, and causing it to disappear. Takeo began to sulk in the corner on his own. Nikolai and Samantha began to cry. Dempsey started to throw his toys around the room in anger. Young Eddie teared up as well, telling Monty he hated him.

Monty left the room, shutting the kids in to cry to themselves. A moment passed, then the door opened once more, Monty tossing a copy of Call of Duty: Ghosts for the Xbox 360 onto the floor.

“Lap that one up then, you little brats!”

The kids continued their tantrum as Monty descended the stairs of the house, saying to himself, “Bloody kids these days. They just regurgitate every little complaint they read on Reddit as if it were an original thought.”

 

No but seriously, here is Chapter 1 of Attack on the Pentagon: http://www.callofdutyzombies.com/story/fivech1

 

Happy April Fools, Everyone!