~The Mystery Box Cult~ inspired by Tankeo Dempsaki

[Electric Jesus]

For Tankeo,

Not as gone as I may have thought...

As a small number of you may know, Tankeo was conducting a lot of observational research prior to his departure. He worked long and hard, studying the peculiar traditions of the Mystery Box Cultists. He would never have wanted his research to have been wasted. So, in honor of his memory, I myself have conducted some research of my own on this subject. I now present unto you the completed research files pertaining to the mystery box cult.

~THE MYSTERY BOX CULT~

INTRO

You may be wondering one essential question: what the hell is this so-called mystery box cult? Put simply, it is a group of people who worship the mystery box. They look to it for guidance, provide unto it a regular tribute of points, and engage in other praise related actions towards it.

Some characteristics to look for in people in order to determine whether or not they are a member of this society are...

1. Lack of skill / strategy

2. Inability to see reason

3. Excessive mid or post-round mystery box use

4. General whining and perpetual discontent

AVOID CONTACT AT ALL COSTS! These people have been known to get teammates downed, steal kills, blow points, scream themselves hoarse into microphones, and even (in extreme cases) be under the false impression that they know everything about zombies.

Chapter One: Tankeo's Notes

The following are Notes, taken From tankeo's private research log.

EJ's side notes: it seems somewhere along the line Tankeo either acquired the holy book of the cultists, or at least threw together / scavenged knowledge to form a basis for his research. This is undoubtedly a great leap towards understanding this group to the very core.

1: Thou shalt not open any doors unless I await you.

2: Thou shalt worship me, and only me, as the key to your victory. These beings known as "Perks" and "strategies" are false prophets, and following them can only lead to your destruction.

3: Thou shalt bestow all points upon me, for by this tribute your faith in me is proven.

4: Those who deny me shalt not be revived.

5: Giving points unto other beings, such as the False Prophets, shall lead to your destruction.

6: My bounty is plenty, give unto me any weapons you do not desire, for you will surely get a better one next time.

7: Follow me, and only me, wherever I may roam.

8: And unto those who have been overtaken, and are not followers of the Almighty Box, who have refused it's ominescence and Forsaken themselves in doing so, offer no help, and no pity.

9: Thou shalt spin around three times, dive to prone and shoot all four corners.

10: He totally stole that Wundergun from you.

The following are a variety of passages collected from their holy book. It seems, based on these, that Tankeo never actually acquired a copy, but simply caught a few pieces in passing.

I am the LORD, your box. You shall have no other weapons besides mine.

And unto you I bestow these weapons, manifestations of my divinity. Especially that China Lake.

And he who should continue to devote points to these False Prophets, or who should commit the sin above all sins, keeping and Pack-a-Punching an M1911, shall spend eternity in the eternal fire of spectator mode.

Where teeth gnash and fires burn. Where you will be tortured with visions of your adversaries accumulating points.

And thou shall NEVER receive the thundergun, unless you pay a proper tribute of all of your remaining points, to the third power. Then, and only then, shall your sins be forgiven.

Come forth into me, and receive eternal life. Or a pistol. But probably eternal life.

Tankeo briefly mentions "prayer circles" in the following excerpt from his research log. It seems to explain a small piece of their exotic behavior.

It's fun to see the Box cultists in their little three-person prayer circles around it, each one vying for it's blessing.

CHAPTER TWO: ELECTRIC JESUS'S RESEARCH LOG

Upon embarking on my journey abroad, I expected my research to come at a slow albeit steady pace. I did not expect the explosion that occurred in my data collection. Here is the most important of the data that I managed to collect. The following are taken from my research log.

PERSONAL LOGBOOK

Today I traveled across an abandoned airfield. The night air whipped around my face as I saw what was unmistakably a trio of cultists gathered just behind the frame of a door marked with the word "help". Upon further investigation, I was not in the least bit surprised at the fact that they were engaging in a prayer circle ritual. Their pious jingle rang out eerily in the silence, as weapon after weapon was offered up by their god. I know not why, but it seems this ritual involves a lot of arbitrary shooting, jumping, and repetitive crouching. Strange.

I saw the first of what is sure to be numerous acts of cruelty among this group. I stood atop the balcony in an abandoned assylum and watched as two onlooking cultists alkowed their brother to be devoured alive, on account of the fact that they too craved his gifts from the box. What sort of sick people would value a raygun over a human life? It makes me sick. I can only imagine what I'll see tomorrow.

I had to lurk very carefully through the swamp today to catch a glimpse of the cultists today. I saw one run into a hut, his pockets jangling with points, walk straight past a juggernog machine to their master. What sacrifices these people must make! Or could this be deliberate? I almost pity them.

I nearly got spotted today as I lunged behind a wall to avoid being spotted. The cultists were engaging in a prayer ritual in the abandoned facility, when several of the dogs approached them from behind. They had no time for such trifles; their master awaited. They were all dead within the minute. Again, I must pity their obsessive devotion to their lord. They seem almost trapped.

I investigated a theater today and saw neither hide nor hair of any cultists. A few teddy bears were strewn about, as if they had passed through and left the place. I hope to find more substantial information at my next location.

looking up into the sky, I could see two of them flying on what appeared to be a modified lunar lander. Looking at the ground, I saw a fallen comrade, abandoned by his brothers. Unbothered by The fact that he had clearly seen me, I rushed to assist him. But--too late. He had died. Yet another example if these people's cruelty.

the snow didn't exactly help me blend in as I watched the cultists today. They were insistent on trying to carry out a set of arbitrary tasks, in the hope that they would result in the acquisition of some greater weapon. This was the first instance of disobedience and punishment I witnessed. None succeeded in their efforts, and all were doomed to die. I did not stay to watch the outcome. Although I am not 100% sure, I believe u saw a FEMALE cultist! This is surely a first, and I will look into it later.

I nearly fainted Due to heat exhaustion today. This jungle sun is really something else. I can't seem to find my way from one side if this jungle to another, so I'm going to leave my research for today and hope for better luck at my next stop.

I saw a group of cultists attempting to activate a teleporter out here in the desert. Apparently it required all of the cultists to activate it simultaneously, as they quickly got cornered and devoured, on account of the fact that one insisted on fruitlessly running a train. Such ignorance! How did he expect to please his master all the way from aether? HA!

I found myself wandering through the decimated streets, only to come across a pair of cultists. I found it odd that they were not accompanied by a third. Upon utter inspection, I noticed them whispering, conspiring to overthrow a nearby man, and strip him of his gifts in order to please their master. In the interest of the innocent, I proceeded to rain down a hailstorm of awful Lawton bolts upon them. Never before have i seen such a panicked frenzy. It is comforting to know that (apart from knowledge) my research has saved an innocent life as part of it's productivity.

THE ULTIMATE CONCLUSION

As you may have been able to gather from all of that, these cultists are devoid of any skill, strategy, human compassion, or intelligence of any kind. They simply act as computers. Computers equipped with only one program set to repeat infinitely. Appease the box. Appease the box. It is a vicious cycle.

This is not ALL of the information on this group of exotic people. I urge you all to reply with some of YOUR contributions. If you happen to have scavenged a bible passage, a defining characteristic, or ANY OTHER INFORMATION WHATSOEVER, feel free to post it, and i will add it to my extensive yet incomplete research file.

Edit: and please forgive any obvious autocorrect fails. I typed this on my phone.

Peace, and happy slaying.

[Mr. Jay]

Holy crap!

Tankeo has a twin!

Mary Kay and Ashley move over, you are not the most controversial twins anymore.

Good work my friend it was entertaining. Although Tankeo is 12, so technically still ok to do it, you on the otherhand should not.

Anyone else find it ironic that Jay tells someone to mature?

[Electric Jesus]

Holy crap!

Tankeo has a twin!

Mary Kay and Ashley move over, you are not the most controversial twins anymore.

Good work my friend it was entertaining. Although Tankeo is 12, so technically still ok to do it, you on the otherhand should not.

Anyone else find it ironic that Jay tells someone to mature?

One thing I should have expressed was that these cultists ate not people to me. They ate simply another set of data. I neither like nor dislike them nor anything to do with them. However, I wrote based on observation, do if they appear anything less than human, I am not to blame.

However, I seem to have made an error in my research, pertaining to the age range. (if you know what I mean ) so I will omit that section until further research can be conducted in that topic. Thanks for the feedback.

[Killstardo Abominate]

Tankeo is 12

His profile says he's 14...

[LiamFTWinter]

Tankeo is 12

His profile says he's 14...

His profile says that you're him.

[Electric Jesus]

I have recently acquired intel that a group of mystery box cultists taking camp in an isolated town filled to the brim with undead! Their currently identified based in this area include a farm, a power plant, a diner, a bus station, and a secluded part of the town. I am planning a week abroad to spy on conduct more research pertaining to this group at their new settlement. Cheers, and happy slaying. Wish me luck; they are back with a vengeance!

[Triple Ex]

I have recently acquired intel that a group of mystery box cultists taking camp in an isolated town filled to the brim with undead! Their currently identified based in this area include a farm, a power plant, a diner, a bus station, and a secluded part of the town. I am planning a week abroad to spy on conduct more research pertaining to this group at their new settlement. Cheers, and happy slaying. Wish me luck; they are back with a vengeance!

I hear they favour the Farm most.

[Electric Jesus]

AHA!! It's my old research files! I wonder what I may have been studying... *dusts off* OH MY! The mystery box cult! I nearly forgot! I must plan an expedition at ONCE! I must pack my pistol, two grenades, some nice boots... THAT'S IT!! I am ready to take to the streets and hitch a ride to Hanford to check out the settlement of cultists who have inhabited the area. I will update my research files accordingly as soon as I return! Farewell my fellow slayers, I will return shortly!

(expect tranzit-style updates this week!)

[83457]

Best thing that I read today.

I love you Tankeo...

Edit: innocent whistling...

[Triple Ex]

Best thing that I read today.

I love you Tankeo.

[AlphaOmega]

Please dont harass me for this but is this a joke or something real :shock: . If its a joke then im dense :oops:

[Electric Jesus]

Please dont harass me for this but is this a joke or something real :shock: . If its a joke then im dense :oops:

Yeah it's a joke. Don't worry though; I'm not going to harass you! I don't bite.

The mystery box cult is an analogy for people who are bad at the game. Notice how I mention "prayer circles?" that is a reference to how when you open up to the room with the box they all disregard the rest of the game and just gather around it. The idea of perks and strategies being "false prophets" show that they prioritize simply using the box repeatedly over any more important thing like perks or strategies. Get it? It's just a bunch of jokes, inspired by Tankeo Dempsaki Killstardo Abominate Mr.What's-his-face and his old jokes on this one thread.

[Megaton A]

The worst thing is that this describes all three of the friends I frequently play with. They all know I have played much more zombies than them, and they full admit I am better at it than them... but they refuse to listen to me when I tell them to stop humping the box at least until they get Jugg and an MP5 or something. For example... TranZit. My friend and I get on, I say "Hey.... we should get the power turned on and get Jugg, then come back around for the box." But we get to the diner, he jumps off and starts dumping all his points into the box. Then we get the power on, but he has no points for Jugg and nothing but a sniper.... then I'm expected to keep reviving him.

This is the kind of thing that keeps me from ever completing most of the EEs. My friends are fucking awful at this game.

[Electric Jesus]

The worst thing is that this describes all three of the friends I frequently play with. They all know I have played much more zombies than them, and they full admit I am better at it than them... but they refuse to listen to me when I tell them to stop humping the box at least until they get Jugg and an MP5 or something. For example... TranZit. My friend and I get on, I say "Hey.... we should get the power turned on and get Jugg, then come back around for the box." But we get to the diner, he jumps off and starts dumping all his points into the box. Then we get the power on, but he has no points for Jugg and nothing but a sniper.... then I'm expected to keep reviving him.

This is the kind of thing that keeps me from ever completing most of the EEs. My friends are fucking awful at this game.

Fraternization with known cult members can be highly dangerous! I advise you to keep your eyes peeled for any more suspicious activity until I can report back to you after my upcoming expedition. Once I have scouted our their new base I will be able to tell you with 100% certainty whether or not you are in any immediate danger.

Just stay careful out there. Who knows how many of them are lurking in the fog... Waiting... And crying into the mic because of the denzien on their head

[weston_19]

Its highly inprobable in a 4 player game that everybody is goin to get a good gun, let alone a full loadout. Yet people still think its going to happen. I let my friends ride the box, have fun, with galvaknucks you dont even need the box until round 16-17.... I must have played 20 games before my friends started saving for knucks....now its our first priority, go figure. This cult has grown to envelop the PaP as well, with people dropping there bank savings on round 3 to have some insane advantage they cant compensate for once its gone.

[83457]

I have a friend who has played since right after waw snn released.

I revive him, I say leave the last zombies alive! (There are 2). He immediately kills them and I ask why he would kill them right after I revived him and asked him not too...

He says ' how am I supposed to know that they were the last?'.

Seriously? After 5 years of continuous zombie slaying, you can't hear that there are no more zombs?

Or, maybe my comment about not killing the last zombies would have given you pause for thought...

And he is in his 40s like me, not some spontaneous child...

Like a nonrandom random...

[TakedownCHAMP97]

Just some comments from a former cult member. I was one a few years ago, mainly because I only played at friends houses. A cult member doesn't think for more than the current round. Often times they sit in one spot near the box because they are to preoccupied by their "lord" to commit "sins" such as buying perks or running trains. The PaP is only for elites who gain a lot of points and have 1+ wonder weapons. Otherwise 950 points mean an immediate trip to the box. A cultist would not hesitate to forsake a brother who blocks their path to enlightenment. Saving them requires watching online videos, experienced teammates, and the CoDz forum. Thankfully, I was saved before it was too late. You can ask me any questions about the mind of a former cultist :D

[Electric Jesus]

Aha! You could be a valuable asset my friend! Tell me, what is the purpose of this ritual sometimes performed in front of the box? I frequently spy the cultists diving to prone and shooting all four corners if the box during the spin. Is this some form of spiritual ritual designed to appease the box?

Imagine how much more prepared I will be for my expedition with the information of a former mber of the very cult I am studying! You sir may very well save my life at some point.

(OOC: I've been too last to update with tranzit stuff but I'll get on it. I promise. Not that anyone cares. )

[TakedownCHAMP97]

Ah yes, the prayer ritual. Cult members often believe that they bring favor from the box. The more elaborate and difficult the more likely to obtain a blessing. If cornered by the brethren, follow these instructions to live. Most cultist are recruited as young children, lost due to a lack of a proper leader. If threatened, and you have a mic, use your superior knowledge to frustrate and make them take their own lives out of rage. Otherwise grief them through other methods (knifing, etc.). Also just keeping enough distance will save you trouble. Good luck and be safe.

[Stop Mocking Me0]

Inspired by tankeo... BUAHHHA! I LOVE IT! He deserves some kind of tribute for all the good that guy has done to this site! (Even if that good is constant disagreement with me.) A toast to him!

However I bring bad news as well as this toast.... I beleive the box cult isn't the only problemb we have on our controllers... We've got the masters of box-prostitution, and the Jesus of bad training, the harley quin of annoyance, the mother of all that is wrong and pessimistic with zombies! The kids... "Leme hit the bowx!" "Yaw wana do da Easter egg?" WHY ARE DESE PEPOL TAWKING TO ME!" "MAMA MAKE ME A SAWICH!" Oh they're the absolute worst!

If the box cult is the equivalent of a newyork mafia, then the children are as bad as the illuminati... :twisted:

We must do all we can to sease this horror! That is why, by the power invested in me by the memory of the face psalm emote and the gift of brains! I here by give the task of creating the counter action of the cult to you EJ! May the emotes be kind... (oh good)